I still have emails that I have saved from two years ago. I haven't read them in months, but tonight as I am cleaning out my inbox and folders, I go to my "Steve" folder and read them. The words bring back memories that are as fresh as they were the day the emails came. I realize that I am not over him as I thought I was. I hurt again and I long for him once more. It has been nearly a month since I talked to him and then it was after at least three months of not hearing a word. I resisted the temptation to call him and I can honestly say that I did not call him this time. He was the one that rang my phone. ...and we talked for nearly two hours. I have not called him since and I promise that I will not call him, I will not make the first effort to contact him. He is still in my dreams, he is still in my heart and if he were to call and ask me to come to him, I know I would go. No questions asked, no hesitation. I would drop everything to be by his side.

I will not tell him again how I feel. I will not admit to him that I still love him with all my heart. Although it has gotten much easier now to go on without him, he is still in my heart as no one else will ever be. His name will always be music to my ears. I try not to listen to songs that remind me of him, but should one come on the radio, it brings him back to the front of my mind and sends me reeling back to when we couldn't wait to talk to one another. If I drive on the road where we had so many of our phone conversations as I would drive home or on the way to work, I still long for those moments I had with him then. I find myself wanting to pick up the phone and call, but I refuse to do that.

I try to find someone to take his place in my heart, but it is impossible. I still compare everyone I meet to him and I know until the time he is completely out of my heart it is useless.

In the last couple of posts, I mentioned having feelings for a man, but I was fooling myself. That went absolutely nowhere because I could not get Steve off my mind. When I think I am doing ok without him, something will happen that brings him back to the front of my mind and the old feelings resurface.

I joined one of those social networking sites and if you go to my friends list you will see nearly 30 of them are named Steve. Why do I do that. Do I subconsciously search out people with the same name?

So what do I do? Do I tell him once again how I feel? Do I let him know that I am still here if he ever changes his mind? Do I call him? Do I let him know that he is still on my mind as he always was? OR do I just let it go and face the fact that we will never be......



WITCHY'S WIKKED GRAPHIX

I title this post "broken promises" for more than one reason, and as you read on you will understand. Promises are hard to keep, especially to yourself....

Why do we tend to keep making the same mistakes over again and again? Is it in our genes or is it that we are just afraid to stray from our "norm"? We are suppose to learn from mistakes and know not to make the same one again, but somehow the attraction or temptation of something illicit causes one to ignore the consequences of the past. You would think we would learn that it will get us nowhere, but we somehow think that this time it will be different.

Yes, here I go again, setting myself up for a heartbreak so big that I know that when it happens my world will come to a crashing halt. But I can't help myself, even though I know I shouldn't do this. I have been there before and it is not a happy place. It is a lonely place. For every hour of happiness there are days of unhappiness, but somehow the attraction of that one hour of sublime ecstasy is worth all the pain of the endless hours of loneliness.

Vulnerability, desire, fear, the need for affection, and just pure lust are all the emotions that drive us to do things that we will regret in the end, but these emotions are strong enough to cause us to give in to temptation.

Why did I have to look twice at him? I am right out of one heartbreak and headed for another. This time there is not even a chance of a future. None at all. A man that is not free to love me. A man that cannot be with me when I need him. The first broken promise... I promised myself that I would never do that again, but here I go. And the familiarity of the past comes back to haunt me once again. The second broken promise... He had to break a date because of, yes, the wife. Yes I know it is wrong. It is not fair to me, to him nor especially to the wife, but I go on pretending that it will all be ok. I pretend that I can handle it. I tell myself that I am in this just for the physical part, that there will be no emotional attachment, but I lie to myself when I say that.

I have a weakness for a sweet talking man, and oh what a sweet talker he is. The physical attraction between us is magnetic. It is to the point that I can think of nothing but him. If he had never sat beside me that day on the train and said those things to me, if only I hadn't flirted with him and teased him that first day, maybe I would have never given him a second thought. Maybe If he had never kissed me in the foyer of the restaurant where we had lunch together for the first time, I could have forgotten all about him. And maybe I shouldn't have gone walking toward where he works hoping that I might run into him that day.

Maybe I shouldn't have driven him back to his car last week. That day his touch set me on fire. His kiss was so sweet and gentle yet demanding and full of desire that it was all I could do to let him go home to her. But I had to. I promised that I would put no demands on him. I promised myself that I would be alright with whatever stolen moments we might find. But now I find that I want more. And when he said he had to go straight home today and that we would not be able to spend time together as we planned, my heart was broken. I felt an emptiness that couldn't be filled. I tried to work, but found myself wanting him so badly that I couldn't concentrate on anything.

So tonight I am alone. Just me and my computer and these words that I write. I wonder what he is doing. Is he thinking of me? Do I ever cross his mind while he is with her? Does he know that he is on my mind all the time?

Another broken promise. The promise that I would never give my heart away again....

Everyone knows the alleged cure for a hangover, but what about a broken heart? Is it the same? Is another man the only way to get over him? I don't know, I have heard that, and possibly soon I may know from personal experience.

There is someone else now, someone else that I fantasize about, someone else that has captured my attention. I can honestly say that the yearning in my heart has now been replaced by a desire for this man that I have recently met. This is not one sided, he is as much into me as I am into him. But is another heartbreak on the horizon? Do I jump into this or not? I don't know him that well, and at this point it is all purely physical, but physical is all I am looking for right now. And he is right here, he is not 6 hours away like the other one. Yesterday, he took my hand as I sat next to him on the train. He held it and gently caressed it as we enjoyed being with one another on the ride home. He gets off the train two stops before me and I found myself wanting to kiss him goodbye as he departed. I felt that he wanted to do the same, but we were on the train, with a lot of people around. Certainly not a place to share a first kiss. We said our goodbye's and wished one another a good weekend. Since he is off work today, it will be Monday before I see him again. I don't know where this is going, but I feel as if there will be more. We shall see.

I do know that the feelings I had for the other "him" have lessened. I will never completely forget him, but I can honestly say that I am pretty much headed in the direction of being over him. While he will always occupy a special place in my heart, I know now that I can go on.

I will see where it goes with this "new" man. I know that I am looking forward to seeing him on Monday.

A year ago, I made a change that without him, I could not have made. People come in and out of our lives for a reason. That is something that I will always believe. I believe that one reason he came into my life is to help me get out of the situation I was in. To be there and show me that there is more to life, to give me an incentive to get on with my own. Even though that is one reason he was part of my life, I cannot believe that is all he was in it for. When we encounter someone, they are with us as long as they are needed. If they are meant to be a life partner, then they will be, if they are meant to be a friend, they will be for as long as meant to be. Some friends come and go, some stay around all of your life. Some are just passing through and you never see or hear from them again. Some of them come into your life and make the biggest impression and you never can let go of the hold they have on you. The one that stays in your heart and in your mind and won't go away. The feeling that they are a part of you even thought they are not with you. The feeling that they are there with you even though they are so far away. What about the yearning that you need to be with them, because they are a part of you and you can't function because a part of you is missing.
It has been two weeks since I heard from him. I gave him a call one evening and for a while, it was almost like old times. We talked for over an hour. I even mentioned that I needed to let him go and he said no, that he wasn't working, and it was almost like it was when we couldn't get enough of talking to each other. I thought I was over him, and even wrote him an email telling him so. But as fate would have it, he never got that email. Or if he did, he didn't want me to know he got it for some reason. When I asked him if he had gotten any emails from me, he said the last email he had gotten was at least a week before I sent that one. So was fate at work to make sure he did not get the email. What do I do now? I am back to wanting him again so badly, but I am again so afraid to say anything. It was nearly a year ago that I first told him how I felt. Is that where I went wrong? Should I have just bottled it all up? Should I have just gone on loving him without telling him? If so would things have been different now? There is no going back, so I will never know. On the other hand, if I hadn't said anything and then lost him, I would have always wondered if it would have been different had I said something. So no matter which path you take, you will always wonder what is down the path not taken.

I want to tell him that I still feel as strongly for him as ever. I want to remind him that I am here if he ever changes his mind. I want to again let him know, just in case he is hesitant because he thinks that I may have changed my mind. I want him to know that he is still the one that is on my mind every day, and he is the one that I want beside me. His eyes are the ones I remember and his smile is the one that lights up my memories. His calls are the ones I wait for but never come. He is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and without him I feel as if a part of me is missing.

So do I tell him one more time? Do I take a chance? At this point I have nothing to lose. Is there a chance for us?

I can't say that without him I am nothing, because that is not so. Even if we never have anything more that what we have already had, he has given me more than any other man ever has. The few months that he was in my life, gave me courage to be myself, and made me realize that there are people that care for me. I will always be grateful to him for that even if I never get to return the favor. I may miss him terribly, but I learned to love because of him. I learned that true love is loving someone enough to let want whatever is best for them. If he is happy, then I am happy.

So I will wait patiently, because I know that whatever life has planned for us is not finished. I have the feeling that there is more meant for us to do. There is a reason that I cannot forget him. If we were finished, then I could move on. I feel so strongly that there is more for us, and we have only begun. I will wait for as long as I have to. At least until one morning I wake up and realize that his purpose has been served.