I title this post "broken promises" for more than one reason, and as you read on you will understand. Promises are hard to keep, especially to yourself....

Why do we tend to keep making the same mistakes over again and again? Is it in our genes or is it that we are just afraid to stray from our "norm"? We are suppose to learn from mistakes and know not to make the same one again, but somehow the attraction or temptation of something illicit causes one to ignore the consequences of the past. You would think we would learn that it will get us nowhere, but we somehow think that this time it will be different.

Yes, here I go again, setting myself up for a heartbreak so big that I know that when it happens my world will come to a crashing halt. But I can't help myself, even though I know I shouldn't do this. I have been there before and it is not a happy place. It is a lonely place. For every hour of happiness there are days of unhappiness, but somehow the attraction of that one hour of sublime ecstasy is worth all the pain of the endless hours of loneliness.

Vulnerability, desire, fear, the need for affection, and just pure lust are all the emotions that drive us to do things that we will regret in the end, but these emotions are strong enough to cause us to give in to temptation.

Why did I have to look twice at him? I am right out of one heartbreak and headed for another. This time there is not even a chance of a future. None at all. A man that is not free to love me. A man that cannot be with me when I need him. The first broken promise... I promised myself that I would never do that again, but here I go. And the familiarity of the past comes back to haunt me once again. The second broken promise... He had to break a date because of, yes, the wife. Yes I know it is wrong. It is not fair to me, to him nor especially to the wife, but I go on pretending that it will all be ok. I pretend that I can handle it. I tell myself that I am in this just for the physical part, that there will be no emotional attachment, but I lie to myself when I say that.

I have a weakness for a sweet talking man, and oh what a sweet talker he is. The physical attraction between us is magnetic. It is to the point that I can think of nothing but him. If he had never sat beside me that day on the train and said those things to me, if only I hadn't flirted with him and teased him that first day, maybe I would have never given him a second thought. Maybe If he had never kissed me in the foyer of the restaurant where we had lunch together for the first time, I could have forgotten all about him. And maybe I shouldn't have gone walking toward where he works hoping that I might run into him that day.

Maybe I shouldn't have driven him back to his car last week. That day his touch set me on fire. His kiss was so sweet and gentle yet demanding and full of desire that it was all I could do to let him go home to her. But I had to. I promised that I would put no demands on him. I promised myself that I would be alright with whatever stolen moments we might find. But now I find that I want more. And when he said he had to go straight home today and that we would not be able to spend time together as we planned, my heart was broken. I felt an emptiness that couldn't be filled. I tried to work, but found myself wanting him so badly that I couldn't concentrate on anything.

So tonight I am alone. Just me and my computer and these words that I write. I wonder what he is doing. Is he thinking of me? Do I ever cross his mind while he is with her? Does he know that he is on my mind all the time?

Another broken promise. The promise that I would never give my heart away again....

Everyone knows the alleged cure for a hangover, but what about a broken heart? Is it the same? Is another man the only way to get over him? I don't know, I have heard that, and possibly soon I may know from personal experience.

There is someone else now, someone else that I fantasize about, someone else that has captured my attention. I can honestly say that the yearning in my heart has now been replaced by a desire for this man that I have recently met. This is not one sided, he is as much into me as I am into him. But is another heartbreak on the horizon? Do I jump into this or not? I don't know him that well, and at this point it is all purely physical, but physical is all I am looking for right now. And he is right here, he is not 6 hours away like the other one. Yesterday, he took my hand as I sat next to him on the train. He held it and gently caressed it as we enjoyed being with one another on the ride home. He gets off the train two stops before me and I found myself wanting to kiss him goodbye as he departed. I felt that he wanted to do the same, but we were on the train, with a lot of people around. Certainly not a place to share a first kiss. We said our goodbye's and wished one another a good weekend. Since he is off work today, it will be Monday before I see him again. I don't know where this is going, but I feel as if there will be more. We shall see.

I do know that the feelings I had for the other "him" have lessened. I will never completely forget him, but I can honestly say that I am pretty much headed in the direction of being over him. While he will always occupy a special place in my heart, I know now that I can go on.

I will see where it goes with this "new" man. I know that I am looking forward to seeing him on Monday.

A year ago, I made a change that without him, I could not have made. People come in and out of our lives for a reason. That is something that I will always believe. I believe that one reason he came into my life is to help me get out of the situation I was in. To be there and show me that there is more to life, to give me an incentive to get on with my own. Even though that is one reason he was part of my life, I cannot believe that is all he was in it for. When we encounter someone, they are with us as long as they are needed. If they are meant to be a life partner, then they will be, if they are meant to be a friend, they will be for as long as meant to be. Some friends come and go, some stay around all of your life. Some are just passing through and you never see or hear from them again. Some of them come into your life and make the biggest impression and you never can let go of the hold they have on you. The one that stays in your heart and in your mind and won't go away. The feeling that they are a part of you even thought they are not with you. The feeling that they are there with you even though they are so far away. What about the yearning that you need to be with them, because they are a part of you and you can't function because a part of you is missing.
It has been two weeks since I heard from him. I gave him a call one evening and for a while, it was almost like old times. We talked for over an hour. I even mentioned that I needed to let him go and he said no, that he wasn't working, and it was almost like it was when we couldn't get enough of talking to each other. I thought I was over him, and even wrote him an email telling him so. But as fate would have it, he never got that email. Or if he did, he didn't want me to know he got it for some reason. When I asked him if he had gotten any emails from me, he said the last email he had gotten was at least a week before I sent that one. So was fate at work to make sure he did not get the email. What do I do now? I am back to wanting him again so badly, but I am again so afraid to say anything. It was nearly a year ago that I first told him how I felt. Is that where I went wrong? Should I have just bottled it all up? Should I have just gone on loving him without telling him? If so would things have been different now? There is no going back, so I will never know. On the other hand, if I hadn't said anything and then lost him, I would have always wondered if it would have been different had I said something. So no matter which path you take, you will always wonder what is down the path not taken.

I want to tell him that I still feel as strongly for him as ever. I want to remind him that I am here if he ever changes his mind. I want to again let him know, just in case he is hesitant because he thinks that I may have changed my mind. I want him to know that he is still the one that is on my mind every day, and he is the one that I want beside me. His eyes are the ones I remember and his smile is the one that lights up my memories. His calls are the ones I wait for but never come. He is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with, and without him I feel as if a part of me is missing.

So do I tell him one more time? Do I take a chance? At this point I have nothing to lose. Is there a chance for us?

I can't say that without him I am nothing, because that is not so. Even if we never have anything more that what we have already had, he has given me more than any other man ever has. The few months that he was in my life, gave me courage to be myself, and made me realize that there are people that care for me. I will always be grateful to him for that even if I never get to return the favor. I may miss him terribly, but I learned to love because of him. I learned that true love is loving someone enough to let want whatever is best for them. If he is happy, then I am happy.

So I will wait patiently, because I know that whatever life has planned for us is not finished. I have the feeling that there is more meant for us to do. There is a reason that I cannot forget him. If we were finished, then I could move on. I feel so strongly that there is more for us, and we have only begun. I will wait for as long as I have to. At least until one morning I wake up and realize that his purpose has been served.

What is fate really? Do we subconsciously create our own fate? Do we unknowingly create situations that when least expected come back to us and cause us to wonder just what it is that life wants out of us?

So here I am trying to get own with my life, close a door, open a window, try to find just what it is that I am destined for in this life.

I now have a new job, good money, great boss, the kind of job I have wanted all my working life. I am working downtown, which is something I have always wanted to do, making new friends, and I don't even have to drive because I am on the public transportation route and am able to take the train to work.

But there are "coincidences" at work that could be looked upon as more than coincidence. After posting my resume online, I get a call from this company and they set me up for an interview. Cool..... A company that I am familiar with, has a product that I know fairly well, great benefits... you know the story. OK, if they call me and offer me even close to what I ask for, I will take it.... And they did just that. They gave me what I asked for, even though I would have taken less, they make it easy for me to get to work by paying a large percentage of my monthly train pass. I am even working with some of the same customers that I worked with in my old job.

Now about the "coincidences": First of all let me say that a couple of weeks ago I sent "Him" the letter telling him that I had finally began to move on, that I had "gotten over him". That may not be entirely true, but I have begun to see things in a new light over the past month or so. I had realized that I considered him my friend, and always would, but that is all we would ever be is friends. I also told him that I would not call him for a while, that I thought it best that we not talk until I know where my heart really was. Now for the past month or so, he has not initiated a single phone call. I have called for minor things, just to say hi, happy holidays, etc. No long conversations, no doing thing together over the phone as we once did, just casual chit chat occasionally and mainly because I just didn't want to let him go. We haven't even talked business because, little by little, we have pushed that aside, and I have pretty much let him handle all details of his business and to make a long story short, I have "bowed out" of the business side of the relationship just so I could try and break any ties that kept my heart bound to him.

I had no idea when I went for this job interview, that this company's home office was once in the city where he lives and they still have a facility there, that I deal with daily. Little did I know that a great deal of business that I do and people that I talk to everyday are from his area and the state where he has lived for so long. Is it a sign of some sort, or just mere coincidence? My boss is from the same metropolitan area and of course when I talked to my boss about the area, I was reminded of "him". Somehow, North Carolina has become to mean a great deal to me. I vacation there, I feel drawn there, and now these small but somewhat significant little coincidences in life seem to be some sort of sign. Not only is the company I am working for in the building supply business, but "HE" is a building contractor. Another coincidence?

OK, I am rambling but all this leads up to what happened today, and in no way do I believe that what happened today is a coincidence.

As I said, I sent the sort of "dear John" letter. I let him know that I felt that I could let him go, that I was "over" him, and I also told him that the last time we spoke, he felt almost like a stranger to me. I told him that someday in the distant future, that I may call him just to see how he was or say hi, but I did not want to talk to him for a while because I did not want any old feelings resurfacing. Of course I had once made him promise me that if he ever changed his mind about his feelings for me, that he would please let me know, no matter what he thought I may be feeling at the time.

And here I am at work today, realizing that this weekend would be our first anniversary of the day that we first met in person. That glorious day on the mountain when I first saw his smile and looked into his eyes. The day that made me realize that I had to change my life, and he is the one that made me realize it. That was the day that he stole my heart. My heart stayed in North Carolina, and did not return with me to Tennessee. Ever since then, I have felt drawn to Carolina, it keeps calling to me in so many ways.

Today, I decided to go back to that mountain this weekend, by myself, just to reflect, if nothing else, just to say one final goodbye and try and put the past behind me. I will never forget that morning. We each live three hours from there and that was halfway for us. We talked the entire way there, in anticipation of our day together. The day was fabulous, and I left there knowing that I had to change my situation, regardless of what happened between us. He became an important part of me, and no matter how I tried, I couldn't let him go. I had him on my mind today more than usual. Things I did, seemed to remind me of him. Nearly everyone I talked to was from Carolina and that made me think of him even more. There was even someone that called from his hometown and even from the Lowe's store that he and I had gone in together once when I was visiting. Little things I know, but somehow it caused me to really be drawn to him even more. And today, after I had made up my mind to go to that mountain and say my final goodbyes to those memories of last year, he calls. Yes, he calls even after what I told him in the letter. And the ironic thing is, he calls on the day that I left "his" phone at home. The phone that we use to call each other because he has the same carrier, my business phone, I had left at home. But he called me on my other phone when I didn't answer "his" phone. He doesn't usually do that. And he really didn't have a reason to call except that he just wanted to.

And my heart is right back where it was. Now what do I do? It was almost like old times again, where I could sense that he didn't want to hang up. But I had to cut it short because of work. I did not want to let him go. I did not want to risk not hearing his voice again.

So now what do I do? I so want to call him back, but do I? Should I just wait and see what happens? I did let him know that I would be on the mountain this weekend. And I left it wide open for him to join me if he felt like it. I will try not to call, but is that the right thing to do? If I don't call, will he think I don't care? If I do call will he think I am pushy? What should I do? I believe in signs, but what are these signs? Are they signs that direct me or are they insignificant? What do they mean, and where do I go from here? I don't know how much more my heart can stand.

Is the fact that he called a sign that he is meant to be in my life? Or maybe just a test to see what I will do if faced with the temptation of him. I left my marriage because I was fed up with being controlled by someone. Is it any better if I allow my emotions to control me? I thought I had faced up to my feelings and had put them behind me, but now I am not so sure. I don't want to need him any longer, I don't want to wake up every morning and find that he is the first thing on my mind. I no longer want my day controlled by waiting to talk to him. I want to get on with life and live all there is to live. I want to be free from holds on my heart. I want to be free to love someone that wants my love as I want theirs. As much as I resist this, I know that I will not be able to help myself if I am to hear his voice again. And what will I do if he does show up this weekend? Why all of a sudden did he call when I had decided to put him in the past? What reason does fate have for pushing us together? Why am I so weak where he is concerned? Only because I need him so.

The phone rang. "Would you like to go out?" he asked. "Sure", I said. I needed to get my mind off you. What would it hurt? An evening out, good conversation, some dancing, and perhaps a way to help me forget.

I showered, put on my best perfume, did something special with my makeup, and went out feeling pretty good about myself. My date smiled when he saw me, so I knew that the extra time that I put into the preparation paid off. We ordered drinks and sat and talked for awhile. But somehow you managed to creep into my thoughts. His eyes stared into mine, but I found myself wishing they were your eyes that lit up when they looked at me. I listened for your voice that never fell upon my ears, those familiar little things that I loved to hear from your lips. I choked back tears as his hand took mine, because I wanted it to be yours that caressed my fingers. I smiled and pretended to enjoy myself and he asked me to dance. I enjoyed the dance, and then one of the songs that I consider "ours" began to play and my heart ached wanting you to be there. When he took my hand and pulled me out on the dance floor again, I went along, but in my mind you were the one that led me there. I lay my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes as the familiar words and music caused me to want you even more. I began to imagine that I was dancing with you, my head on your shoulder, your lips on my hair. We moved slowly to the music and I could feel your fingers slowly caress my back and move lower. I leaned into you and I could feel your breath against my neck as you leaned over and brushed the hair away with your lips. I was wanting you so much when the music stopped and I came back to the real world. It was not you. As much as I wanted it to be you, it wasn't. Your eyes weren't the ones looking into mine, your lips did not cover mine with warm passionate kisses, your arms did not hold me in the safe haven of your embrace.

I spent the rest of the evening wishing you were there, and then after making my excuses and leaving early, I went home to my safe haven where I spent the rest of the night dreaming about you. I can't get you off my mind. My heart is consumed with you. If only I could make you see how much I love you. I still hope that someday, this fantasy can be realized and you will forever be mine, and in the meantime, you will forever be in my heart, on my mind and in my dreams.